I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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