and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
