She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
3pm strippers are depressing
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
