There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
