I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
