ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
