she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
