I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
