Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
