So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
