So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
