I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
