she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
