i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
