u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
