I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
