I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
