I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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