Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Watching her eat just hurts me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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