Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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