I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
