she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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