the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
