The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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