Well apparently he's into motor boating.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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