I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
