I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
