you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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