did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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