you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
