Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
