I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
