I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
