well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You ruined the universe
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
