i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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