i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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