Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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