you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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