Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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