M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
