I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
