...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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