Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
