I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
