I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
