I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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