oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
