You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
