Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
