I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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