While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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