im six kinds of drunk right now
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How does it feel to date your dad?
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