I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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