the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
