man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You are a genius and a whore.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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