The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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