maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
this will be a night to untag.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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