your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
