I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
