you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize