Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
